It has come to my attention that there has been a massive influx of people who have now begun riding the South Shore train as an alternative to driving the Dan Ryan, which has just begun a two year construction project. Now what you might not know is that there is actually a required two year probationary period before you obtain your full commuter rights and privileges. Read, learn, and follow, the rules and regulations that you are about to read.
-Never, ever, make the South Shore train late. If you even have the hint that you could make the train late, you must do everything in your power to stop that activity, even if it means missing the train yourself. If you are responsible for making the South Shore late, you lose all time accrued towards becoming a full pledged commuter. A second offense will result in a horrific beating at the hands of the South Shore commuters, and your body being dumped wherever is convent for them.
-When entering the train station in your vehicle, park at the very rears of your respective train stations, reserving the choice parking spots for full pledged commuters. Enter the train station as late as humanly possible, without delaying the train.
-When queuing up to enter the train, people will full commuter rights enter the train first. Stand patiently and quietly to the side allow those people to enter. After they have all boarded the train, as quickly as possible enter the train yourself.
-If a seat is open, you may be able to sit. Remember if there is a full commuter standing, they have first choice of seats, leaving whatever leftovers are there for you to choose from. If you see commuters enter at later stops who are made to stand, you must leave your seat and offer it to every single commuter who later boards the train. After every single commuter has turned down the seat, then and only then, are you allowed to reoccupy it, if it is still open.
-Under no conditions are you allowed to sit in the 4, 5, and/or 6 seat, seating areas. These are strictly reserved for groups of commuters who wish to interact with each other.
-At a time when you are sitting in a seat you must sit facing forward, with your hands folded on your lap in front of you, staring at the seat ahead of you. You may occasionally offer a quick glance out of the window, but don't get caught staring.
-The following objects and activities are full banned: Bipods, newspapers, magazines, handheld gaming devices, laptops, portable DVD players, cell phones, blackberry's, disc/walkman's, drinks, sleeping, talking, body odors, audible breathing, food. This list is by no means inclusive, and may be added to at anytime by an even moderately annoyed commuter.
-When the South Shore begins approaching your stop, resist the temptation to be the first off of the train. The initial people exiting are the full commuters, so stay seated or stand out of their way until they have all made their way through the doors. If you are sitting stay seated until the train arrives in the station, at which time you will exit your seat and the train as quickly as humanly possible, while still not disturbing any commuters. The only exception to the sitting rule, is that you will need to get out of the way a commuter to wishes to leave the seat, and then you will sit right back down until the train does finally arrive at your station.
-Finally remember that this list is probably not complete, and should be added to freely by any commuter who has achieved their two years of commuting. If there are any questions, comments, concerns, or hurt feelings, we the commuters, really don't care. Deal with it for your two year probationary period, and then when you exit your subhuman status, one only above the true plague of the South Shore the Muggles, then we might listen to you. Until then, you always have Jack Parsons to complain to.
This has been a self-serving announcement from Purgatory with Pantagraphs.
